My life has changed kinda strangely these past few weeks. I’m going in to work later now in an effort to work fewer hours during the week, since I need to work weekends also. I never quite manage to get under 40 hours, but at least by shortening my days I get to sleep in a little. It’s nice being able to wake up when I’m done sleeping, go into work and do my job, and then come home. I’ve also been in Orlando doing things the past few weekends, when I’m not working.

Orlando. It’s been 6 years since I’ve stayed on the phone like this. I’d completely forgotten how it felt. No…to be honest, I’d actually thought it wouldn’t happen again. Not this feeling. Not after Texas. Toronto was closer, but it still wasn’t the same. After I found out that Texas didn’t return my sentiments, I went into a three month slump. Kind of like cauterizing a wound. I simply thought there was scar tissue there, a place where I wouldn’t felt it if somebody touched. I thought I was immutable. Maybe the scar has healed. Maybe I’m ready again. I keep trying to pretend that I can’t feel anything, but it’s getting tougher and tougher to stay grounded. There are so many things that I want to say, but I don’t say them. I don’t want to be the one to open the door, but it’s like I can’t stop it. It’s like a breath of fresh air, a strange new hope that something might be RIGHT with the world. I’m scared.

I’m already saying too much, though. Look at me, blabbering on like a fool…but it feels so good to let it all out. If it happens again, it happens. If not, then it doesn’t. It’s so much easier for some people to open that door again if it’s shut. I’m an air-force brat. I’ve had to move around my entire life. I’m used to severing connections. I’ve had to get good at it. I’m a professional at shutting that door. If I weren’t, then I would never have been able to handle all the moving. The problem is that sometimes…no…problem isn’t the right word. How to say it…

I got good at shutting the door. That was me. Imagine my complete surprise the first time it was blasted open without me touching it. I didn’t know how to react, and I was dazed for a good five months. I guess that’s why it hurt even more when the door shut without me being the one to close it. Now it’s opening for the second time without me touching it, but I think I’m more ready for it. It’s not catching me COMPLETELY off-guard, and it’s opening more slowly. At least, that’s what it seems like. I think that one of my biggest fears is that it might be completely open already without me knowing it, and that I’m just slowly letting myself see it. My reactions are too fast, and I try to take things slow. I think in that case, it’s scary because it’s like protecting myself against the inevitable — it’s still inevitable. In the case of it slowly opening, it’s not inevitable with me putting a shield over my own eyes. I don’t know what the case is.

What I do know is that this is an opportunity. I want to make the most of this. I mean, for Heaven’s Sake (read: sah-key, not say-k) — I actually *leaked* on Sunday, and it was because things felt RIGHT. I didn’t even know I was doing it at first, and I didn’t figure out why until afterward. Ganbare.